The Insomnitorial

My 2 Cents On Digital Comic Books.

2011-01-15T17:47:00.000-08:00

My partner in crime and best friend has already commented on this issue and being the neophyte that I am, I am barely qualified to speak my peace, but I'm going to anyways.

I'm sick of printed comic books. There I said it. I'm sick of all that goes along with it, but mostly I'm sick of the price I have to pay for my addiction. Marvel and DC are like drug dealers, they have a bunch of addicts who can't live without their stories and they are taking advantage of that. But even addicts know when to stop taking the drugs that are killing them. In this case it's robbing us of our hard earned money, but someday soon, we'll stop buying comic books altogether.

When I was in High School I remember going to Shinders (a local book store that sold comic books) for my weekly comics in 1988-89. I think books were either .75 or $1 at the time. That was reasonable in my mind. I could afford that. It was still expensive in the long run, because I still needed to by my bags and boards, plus long boxes and I had to find a place to store them all, but I was okay with all of that. Luckily I gave up on books within a year or two and didn't collect a great deal of them.

Now it's not the same thing anymore. Nothing has increased in price as much as comic books over the years. In 2000 books were $2 and in 1990 they were $1 and in 1980 they were .50 cents. That's $2.50 more in 30 years. And in some cases $3.50 in 30 years. Sure you are going to say "but that's thirty years", well the only thing I can think of that has increased that much since then is gasoline. In 1980, gas was like $1 a gallon, now it's basically $3 a gallon, so that's a good comparison. That's the only comparison I can think of. But the big one for me is the cost from $2 in the year 2000 to $4 in the year 2010. That's a 100% increase in ten years. Holy shit, we should be super pissed about this. And for some reason we aren't really.

I know we complain about it all the time, but we don't seem to be doing anything about it except gritting our teeth and straining our back accounts to buy our books. I don't want to do that anymore. I am sick of it. Does this mean that digital can save us from spending too much. Well it sure could if Marvel and DC were smart about it.

I am going to break this down as best I can with the limited knowledge of math that I have. Here is how the cost of comic books breaks down with the best of my research can tell me. I might not be perfect with this, but I am VERY close to getting to bottom of this.

We are going to use a $3 comic books, because lets face it, selling those books to us at $4 is just plain gouging and they don't need to do that, they just do it because they can.

Here is how I will break it down. Diamond gets a 70% discount on the retail of the book, so that leaves all the rest of these numbers totally irrelevant because if we eliminate Diamond, then we eliminate all the rest of the costs. 70% of $3 is = .90 cents. Did you see that number? .90 cents. That means Marvel pays their talent out of the .90 cents. That means a digital comic book has the potential of easily being able to be sold at the .99 price point. Sure they won't do that, because they are greedy sons a bitches, but perhaps we can settle for a still reasonable $1.25 a book. That's a .35 cent increase in profit for Marvel ON EACH BOOK! That's pretty huge.

Plus lets not forget the potential market out there. Sure this all boils down to NEW READERS, I hear this all the time. The current readers are never going to switch over, we are too old to change our ways, which is our fault and we'll have to live with it, but a newer generation just might be interested in comic books if it were convenient to buy them. Just like iTunes took over the market on music, I think it's time to take over the market on comic books.

The big problem I see here is the cost of a reader. Right now we have devices that aren't made for reading comic books, but work in the short term. We have the iPad at $500 and the HP slate at like $700. Both way too expensive for a comic book reader. What we need is a device/reader that is the same size, within 5% or so, of a comic book page and about as thin as a Kindle. A battery life of around 24 hours and a ton of storage space for under $150. Is that something possible right this instant, well not really, at least to my knowledge, but we are awfully close. If we used buttons to turn the page I think we could pull it off, but if we want a touch screen, pinch and zoom and other features, then that cost point is unattainable. Give it a couple of years and we are definitely there.

Let's round the cost of a reader/device up to $200 to be fair in this comparison. We can easily do that price point within the next year and have all the features we need for a comic book reader. Now let's put our current comic book allowance per week at $15 (I'm being frugal on purpose, but many of you spend WAY more than that). So that means we get 5 books each week for $15. Now lets break this down if they were digital. I'm going to go with the $1.25 price point to help make my point, but some books might be only .99 cents (if Marvel and DC are smart about it). Let's take $1.25 x 5 = $6.25 right? Now that's a $8.75 savings per week and we are still getting our same stories. So $8.75 x 4 = $35 a month. Okay so now we are getting somewhere. So that means in 12 months we would save $410. Surely enough to buy a decent reader; and that's just in one year. I'm not even going to mention the $20 or dollars in bags and boards we spend along with buying a long box for $12. But I will because I'm a super big cock. That's a total of $442 a year in savings going digital. Minus the cost of a reader at $200, so a grand total of $242 in the first year. Then each year after that, we start saving $442, or we can translate that to like ten more books a week. I pick the more books thing, but you do what you want.

I'm not saying that digital comics WILL save the industry, but I think they are our best bet in the long run. We have to face facts, the sale of comic books is dropping every year and we have to do something about it. Either we lower the prices of printed comic books to $2 and get more readers in the doors, or we die a slow and painful death. OR we sell digital comic books for $1.25 each and Marvel makes more money, we save more money and we don't have to deal with all the shit that goes along with storing are paper products.

Will it make me sad to see my LCS go out of business? Hell yeah it will. I literally cried one day, well my eyes welled up, when I realized that my Shinders was closing. That place was like an institution for me. I went there just to get out of the house. It was my hang out place. I loved that place like a good porno mag. If Shinders would have had pages they would have ALL been stuck together. But I would rather see my LCS go out of business then the whole industry which I love.

I've given my two cents and I feel better about it. I'm sure I've missed a few things, but if you want to hear more about my digital comic book rant, you can listen to our 175th show as we talk about this for at least 45 minutes.

Michael

Cop Out? Come On Man, Seriously?

2010-08-21T23:07:00.000-07:00

Yeah sure this is late; this movies been out for nearly four months, but let me tell you, I'm really fucking glad I didn't pay to see this movie in the theater. Let me start out by saying this is a really terrible movie. I mean horrible. Does that mean I didn't enjoy myself, well not really. This movie is goofy, it's immature and it makes about as much sense as Bobcat Gothwait banging Nikki Cox, but it's all true.

Tracy Morgan really gives it his all in this movie. He's too over the top and it really detracts from the "funny" by trying too hard. Everything he says is forced and poorly written. There were literally ten moments in this movie when I looked over at Ryan and we both went, "What the fuck is that about?" This movie looks like it was edited by a sixty year old with turrets, but it was just edited by Kevin Smith himself. Now I LOVE Kevin Smith and I really wanted to love this movie, but all I can say is that I enjoyed myself, but this was NOT a good movie.

The editing was so bad it looked like things were missed while filming. One moment in particular really sticks out for me. Bruce Willis/Jimmy is on the roof of this house and he has to climb a fence to jump down to the ground and normally you would show him do the whole thing, but Kevin just assumed we would know he climbed the fence, swung over it and dropped to the ground. But all we see is Jimmy advance on the fence and then land on the ground. Something was missed and it left a gaping hole in what I was watching.

There were funny moments in this movie for sure. I laughed many times and laughed pretty hard. If you rate this movie on laughs alone, at least as far as I am concerned, I would say 7 or 8 out of 10. But if you rate this on it just being a good movie to watch, it gets a 3 perhaps a 4 out of 10. If you have to pay more than a $1 to see this, take a pass. It'll be on TV in about three months.

I think the problem is that Kevin Smith is not comfortable directing something he hasn't written. It's a vision thing. When someone is writing a movie or thinking of a storyline for a movie, they can see how it should be filmed. Kevin has always worked with things he's written. He knows the "movie" he's making like the back of his hand. He could direct that in his sleep. This movie was written by some moron with terrible dialog skills and Kevin Smith had to make something funny out of horseshit. I give him credit for trying, but it just fails well short of being a good or even decent movie.

Ryan said it best, "There's a good movie in there someplace, we just didn't get to see it." That clears things up for me. You can tell the movie could have been decent, but the mix of Kevin Smith and a script he didn't write, just didn't work for me. I had a good time, but for those of you whole are not gluttons for punishment, don't watch this movie, it's 90 minutes you will never get back.

-Michael

Is Sly Stallone Expendable?

2010-08-20T22:52:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to see the new action packed, never before seen, over the top adventure flick from Sylvester Stallone. Now I'm like the next guy, I love a good Sly Stallone movie. I loved Rocky, I thought Rambo was cool in the eighties, but it's been a while since he made a movie that I really liked. This movie was pretty fucking cool. It's not going to change cinema with acting and or script writing and honestly if you thought it would, you're a fucking idiot. This is a shoot 'em up action movie with little to no plot and lots of shit blowing the fuck up. And did I mention there might be some action in this movie? Well there was.

Thursday night, two friends and I took my new truck up to the theater to see The Expendables. I went in with low expectations on acting and script and high expectations on actions and 'splosions. I wasn't surprised or let down in any way. This movie has plenty of stars in it. We all know that Rocky is in this movie, but there are plenty more action stars filling out the rest of the cast. Terry Crews, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Eric Roberts, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah Arnold is only in it for like twelve seconds and Bruce is in it for forty seconds, but their both there. It's really too bad that Chuck Norris and Steven Segal had to be such douche bags, but I guess it's their loss.

This movie has action, LOTS OF FUCKING ACTION. It's pretty much non-stop from the beginning to the end. I went to a theater with a sound system that could make you shit your pants with bass and volume, so this movie was going to be a test of my man diapers. I wore a plastic shield to keep my shorts from getting a bacon strip and that was a good thing. This movie was turned up REALLY LOUD!!! I have never heard a movie this loud before. The gunshots were as loud as real gunshots. The explosions turned my stomach to jelly and it was awesome. I loved it.

The movie is fairly basic in nature, hell who am I kidding, it's fucking juvenile as far as script, but you know what, who cares. It's an action movie with explosions, muscles and fight sequences. It's not "The English Patient" and it never claims to be. The Expendables are a geriatric group of mercenaries that do what needs to be done for the right price. Sly is the leader and he's approached by a man who calls himself "Mr. Church", Bruce Willis and is asked to kill the leader of a drug cartel on some fake island in some jungle infested area of the planet. Yeah we've heard this before, about twelve million times, but again I say, who the fuck cares.

Sly decides to recon the island with Stathom and after investigating they decide not to take the job. However Stallone meets this really hot chick and gets a boner for her. Why he doesn't just take most doctors advice and seek a doctor after a boner lasting more than four hours is beyond me, but again it's not a logical movie, just a action flick. The hot chick, who really cares what her name is, gets stranded on the island as they leave in a flourish of action and bullet casings so when Sly goes home, he feels guilty for leaving her in such danger. At this point he decides to go back to rescue her. I'm leaving out a tiny plot twist here for good reason, it's really the only thing that might surprise you at this point, but one of the group members that Sly fires comes back in a big way.

After having a heart to boxers face discussion with Rourke, Sly decides he loves this chick and wants to dive into her pink umbrella, but if she dies on the island, he won't be able to do that. He plans to go back by himself and fix that problem. Meanwhile his group is so loyal to him that they all volunteer to go with him. It's one those choke up moments where you pretend it's not emotional, but those kind of moments in movies give me the tinglies. So they all go back and kill the fuck out of everyone. They destroy things that don't even need destroying, but hell they make great explosions, so they blow them the fuck up. Eric Roberts, who shockingly is playing a bad guy, gets a knife the size of harp shoved through his chest and the movie ends. I think I mentioned it before, but by this point in the movie, I have crapped myself at least three times from the sheer volume of the movie, but during the last twelve minutes of action, the volume somehow seems to get even louder and now my bowels are just leaking out of control. Do I really care, well not really, because the action is damn good.

This movie suffers from a lack of script, but it makes up for it with tons of kick ass action. There is also a small part in the movie that reminds me of "True Lies" which focuses on Stathom and the always ugly Charisma Carpenter. For some reason she left Stathom and he wants her big breasts back and finds out she's dating someone else. This other guy ends up hitting her which ends up being a bad decision on his part. During a basketball game Stathom finds the guy, along with like five of his friends and really messes those fuckers up. I mean it's really bad, something you would surely get arrested for, but Stathom just rides away on his motorcycle and leaves them broken on the court. It's really awesome.

Overall this movie scores a strong B for me. It is what is it and never claims to be more than that. It's a fun movie, with incredible sound and action. Did I also mention the gore in this movie, it's approaching "Rambo" in the amount of blood that comes out of people. Is the blood almost completely CGI, well yeah, but I can look past that. If you like action films and don't expect much substance to plot, this movie is fucking awesome. If you want "The Pianist", then don't see this movie. I think this movie is better than the A-Team though, which I know isn't saying much, but that movie really bombed in my mind. -Michael

A New Device To Help Cull The Herd

2010-08-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

I think we all know this, but lasers are fucking awesome. From the little ones that we use to entertain our cats, to the large ones that James Bond has to stop from destroying the world; they all rock. The coolest thing about this one is that it's shaped like a fucking lightsaber, how cool is that? Yeah it might be able to burn your skin and cause cancer, but that's a small price to pay for a fucking beam that you can see from space.

Most industrial lasers, the kind that you can really impress your friends with, produce about 10 Mw of power. This one produces nearly 1w. That's approximately 1,000 times more powerful than the most kick ass one you have held in your hand before. Unless of course you work for SPECTRE, then this is about the same as you guys have. This thing is bright. I mean super bright. Check out this video.

The while laser is like the strongest you could get on the market before this one was produced. It's pretty fucking bright and you can almost see the beam as it shines on the wall, but man the lightsaber laser is intense.

Now we get to the question of "should this thing be legal to buy?" Well of course it should be. This is 'Merica. The land of the free and the land of super dangerous toys that we can own and operate in our backyards. Just because it can blow us up, pierce our skin, slice our legs off or give us cancer, doesn't mean our government is going to stop us from having a good 'ol time with it. Yee Haw!

Seriously, people think this laser should be illegal to own and to that I say, "order me one". If I can go buy a shotgun at Walmart with just my license, then this laser should be sold in a vending machine. Sure we don't need this fucking laser, that's a given, but we didn't NEED to go the moon either and yet we did. This thing could cause cancer, well so can car exhaust, cigarettes and breathing in some areas of the country and yet we do all that stuff. I can buy a razor sharp Katana online with no age check and get it home and attack my kids with it, but yet I can do that with my iPhone while waiting in line at the DMV if I want. It's all good in the neighborhood people.

I look at the Walmart shotguns, Katanas and Super fucking cool lasers as more devices to cull the herd. The people that will shoot themselves, slice themselves or burn their fucking skin to look like George Hamilton are not buying this shit to rob or hurt me. They are getting illegal, non-regulated firearms and knives, not cool ass fucking Lucas inspired lasers. I love this fucking thing. Should it be sold in the isle with Tampons and Condoms, probably not. Should I be able to pick one of them up at my local 24 hour gas station, not really, but I should be able to walk into Bills Gun Shop, Cabellas or Fleet Farm and pick up a laser that I can shave with. That seems reasonable. Let the idiots get their hands on things like this, either they will learn some respect and smarten up, or they'll kill themselves with it. It's not like someone can't go to the gas station and get a can of gas to pour on themselves and get the same sort of skin disorder. It's called Culling The Herd and at times like this, we need more ways of that to happen naturally.

-Michael

This is ALL for Ryan, your welcome!

2010-07-02T07:46:00.001-07:00

Kate Beckinsale shot for Esquire HD from Greg Williams on Vimeo.

This is great!

2010-07-01T17:12:00.000-07:00

Who should play Cassie Hack?

2010-06-19T22:50:00.000-07:00

Hack/Slash is a great comic book series. It really is fucking good. Sure, it's not going to change the genre or re-write comic book history, but it's a hell of a lot of fun and needs to be made into a movie or HBO series. It could easily work in a series format, since the stories are pretty cut and dry each and every issue. That kind of storytelling would make a long running gory, sexy and funny series which would fit perfectly alongside shows like "True Blood". If that show can make it, this show would surely find it's niche crowd, that is if it was written as well as "True Blood".

I've just finished the 2nd Omnibus and now, even more than before, I have been convinced this really needs to be made. But the whole thing is, who is going to play the role? We can say an unknown, but if it's made into a movie, you almost have to go with an established actress, otherwise it's going to flop. You need someone to draw in the audience. However if it's made into a series for HBO or Showtime, then going with an unknown would be the best bet. This role calls for nudity, lesbian sex, lots of gore and a very troubled soul. Not to mention the girl needs to be young.

At first I thought, as did Ryan, that Eliza Dushku would be perfect for the role. And yes, if this were 2003, she would be perfect. She's tough, she can kick some major ass and she can act. Then there's Jessica Alba. Now I know what you're thinking, but she did play some badasses in the past, she played "Dark Angel" and was pretty decent at it. The show was terrible and the writing was even worse, but she was decent in it. She definitely has the body to pull off the Cassie Hack character. However, she's a little old now. I mean she still might be able to do it, but if it's not made in like the next two years, she'll be too old. No one would believe her to be 20 years old anymore. So she's out...well sort of.

Then there is Kristen Stewart for the role. As far as looking at her goes from Twilight and shit, yeah she doesn't seem to fit the role too well. However once you see her in "The Runaways" and see how tough she can actually play, well maybe it's not that far off. Does she have the body to pull it off? Yeah I guess she does. Cassie Hack doesn't have to be super hot, she just needs to be hot in a punk rock type way, which Kristen Stewart looks like at times. I am not sure she could pull off the acting needed, but then again I'll argue that point later on when I mention the obvious choice.

Of course we can't forget Megan Fox. She looks the part almost perfectly. She's kind of a tough ass and she's definitely young enough. I don't think she's afraid to show off her body and have some decent lesbian sex. She's basically perfect for the role, but can she act deep enough for this character. Cassie Hack is damaged goods man, she's been fucked emotionally her whole life. If the movie is written correctly and I believe that Tom Seely would never let it be written poorly, then Megan Fox would have her work cut out for her. Since she's model perfect for the role, she should be given the chance. She might have a "Heath Ledger" moment. We all thought that was going to be a disaster and we were wrong. He was brilliant as the Joker. Megan might be able to pull off Cassie Hack.

Another thing going for Megan Fox playing Cassie Hack is that she'll draw in the crowds. She's hot, lets be honest, and she'll sell this movie. Picture the movie poster now, with her in a short skirt, showing her panties, holding a baseball bat with nails in it. That would sell that movie to like every teenage raging hormone case and fans of the comic book. What we need is a movie that sticks to it's guns and holds true to the comic book, yet appeals to everyone. I think this kind of horror film would work. It's funny, dark, sexy as hell and full of lesbian sexual thoughts, what can be wrong with that?Who's going to play Vlad though? Michael Clark Duncan? I don't think so, he needs to be taller than that. I think an unknown could play that part quite easily. It's a very important part in the movie, but it's easier to fill because of the mask and the makeup behind the character.

P.S. Other honorable mentions. Jennifer Love Hewitt from like five years ago, Rachel Bilson, another girl that fits the character physically almost perfectly, but is a little too cutesy as Ryan would say.

Overall I think the movie could be really good if written as well as the comic books and cast appropriately. If Megan Fox acts as well as she did in "Jennifer's Body", she just might be able to pull it off enough to make it a great movie. Let's just hope the stars align and this movie is made with as much care as the comic books. If not, Cassie Hack is going to beat someone down with her baseball bat full of nails. Either that or lesbian kiss the whole film industry, I like the sound of the second one better.

-Michael

This is how you do it!

2010-05-31T07:44:00.000-07:00

Holy crap, this video might be long, NOT like my wiener, but this is how you fucking open the world tallest building. I guess if you spend $1.5 billion on it, then it's worth it to blow literally 10 million on the celebration to open it. I was impressed and I don't even like heights.

Trash I read this week

2010-05-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

Batman Vs. The Undead
DC Comics
Scripts - Kevin VanHook
Pencils/Cover - Tom Mandrake
22 Pages for $2.99

I don't read Batman at all, so when I saw this title I was intrigued, don't ask me why, but I picked it up. I have to say that I was a little surprised at how crappy this book is. It's not terrible, it's just not really good either. It starts with Bruce giving millions of his hard earned family money to some hospital in New Orleans. But Bruce is really in New Orleans as Batman, looking for some cat named Combs. I have no idea who this character is, but he reminds me of Doktor Sleepless for some reason, besides all the raising of the dead and shit.

So yeah, Batman is there to see what this crazy fucker Combs is doing and he runs into Dimeter the Vampire. He's also hunting Combs for some reason, which I am still not clear on. I do know that he's there to fuck this hot chick for a while, so that rules. If this is something that happened in earlier issues, then I apologize, but in this issue, it's really not addressed.

Combs is in New Orleans for sinister reasons of course. I guess he was released from Arkaham and is still kind of insane, go figure. He's there to raise some dead folks from this museum. He tricks the curator into believing he's some sort of investor, even though he looks SUPER creepy the whole time, with these weird ass glasses on which make his eyeballs look downright full of lunacy. Anyways, Combs kills this fucker and sets about using his body to conjure up some evil mumbo jumbo to raise the dead posing in this museum. Little does he know that Batman and Dimeter are already in the museum on his trail. That's when all hell breaks lose and Combs sends the undead after them for a balls to the wall fight to the death.

This could have been written by a twelve year old. I'm not saying it was, but it could have been. There is no substance in this book that makes me feel like any care was taken to actually write it. It's basic, benign and too straightforward for me. I was expecting something interesting to happen and well it didn't. It's just some crazy fucker raising the dead to fight Batman at this point. Perhaps in later issues we might find out a better reason for him being a huge dickwad, but I won't be sticking around to find out. This is officially off my radar, onto the next book please.

Michael

More Nice Thingys

2010-05-27T17:31:00.000-07:00

JACQUES: The Sports Issue, Trailer 2. from Jacques Magazine on Vimeo.

Ummmm....Yeah! This is nice.

2010-04-30T15:10:00.001-07:00

Video Game - E3 2010 - AOTS Exclusive

Awesomeness!

2010-04-27T22:24:00.000-07:00

Oh my God I was crying watching and listening to this. My fucking stomach hurts and I have nearly pissed myself, but it was funny as hell. Is it weird to laugh at something you said that much? Well if it is, then I am the weirdest person alive. Because my friends, that was Goddamn hilarious and I thank whoever made that with my whole heart. That was AWESOME!

Michael

C2E2 Report, Chronic Listener Style.

2010-04-19T15:02:00.000-07:00

A good friend of the show, Keith, sent us this wonderful review of C2E2, which we thought we'd share with you. Thanks for the information and we think you're cute. Note: Ladies he's taken.

A short summary of C2E2, from a short, ugly Jew who only attended Friday and Sunday:

As I trode across the skyway that connected the East Building to the Lakeside Center at McCormick Place, I took in the vast, beautiful skyline of Chicago and smiled; this was a real CITY convention! For too long, the “wizards” of Wizard World had advertised a “Chicago” comic con, and then held it in the far northwest suburbs. The parking was expensive, the show was full of z-grade celebrities and has-beens, the food inside the hall was a giant rip-off and the nearest restaurant was a half-mile walk from the convention center. Now, it was a real Chicago comic con. Of course, if you’re dumb enough to drive to C2E2 the parking is even more brutally expensive. Taking public transportation is easy enough for native Chicagoans, but tourists just may need a degree in engineering to figure out the various schedules and station locations. Other than that, you’re basically stuck taking a taxi or walking a long way from any hotel. Not to mention, McCormick Place is on the wrong side of Lakeshore Drive, and crossing the Drive is like leaping from the Empire State Building – it’s not “impossible” that you’ll survive, but it’s not too likely. Luckily, C2E2 does offer free shuttles to and from select downtown hotels, so savvy and/or intrepid travelers can work out those logistics for themselves.

At any rate, I was looking forward to the show in a big way and I must say that the show came off rather….um…uneventfully. There was nothing particularly wrong with the show, and there was nothing particularly right or revelatory. Admission was five dollars cheaper than Wizard World, all the major publishers were there, there were very good deals to be found by retailers. I myself purchased every hardcover I bought (six in total) for half-off cover price at three different booths. I found almost everything I wanted. There did seem to be a smaller number of retailers than there are at Rosemont, but that may a space issue as I think the floor of the Lakeside Center is smaller than the Rosemont Convention center. There was a pleasant lack of bored, over-surgeried has-been TV and movie “celebrities”. It’s always sad to see a 70-year old Mike Teevee sitting alone at his table with unsold stills and headshots gathering dust in front of him, or a very grandma-looking Margot Kidder straining to hear what fans are saying to her because her hearing just ain’t what it used to be. The artist’s alley was large, with a strong Chicago artist showing. I happened to have a VIP pass so I was able to meet Garth Ennis at his Sunday signing. I mostly made small talk with him and found out that The Boys is going to last for about 35 more issues before it’s done. I got a nifty “Crossed” face mask at that signing as well. All in all, the C2E2 artist’s alley was bigger than the Wizard World alley, but contained about the same caliber of artists. The bigger names at C2E2 are just as hard to see at Wizard World, and this whole idea of selling tickets to get signatures from the big names is really a tough sell for me. I already paid $25 to get in, so why should I pay even more just to get a signature and spend ten seconds chatting with someone who could care less about my existence? The New York Comic Con was the same when it came to exhibitors/publishers/retailers, but the caliber of artists in the NYCC alley was GIGANTIC: Tommy Lee Edwards in one corner, Gene Colan in the next table, Jose Garcia Lopez in the next table, Lee Weeks next to him, Joe Simon at the end. And getting all their autographs was free (with the exception of Jammin’ Gene, who charged a measly $3 for each signature…the guy needs to pay for multiple cataract surgeries, so nut up and pay the man!). WOW! The legends that show up at NYCC aren’t comparable to seeing Alex Ross for the umpteenth time at a Chicago show. We all know he’s a master artist, but who is paying extra to see this guy? You can see him at Chicago comics almost every year for free when he does in-store signings!

Finally, the Marvelman news from Joe Q. was, as usual, cryptic and unsatisfying. Apparently, Marvel feels it’s “very important to present the history of MM by re-printing the early Mick Anglo work in order to introduce the U.S. fans to the ‘rich’ history of the MM character”. “Rich”?!? MM’s early years are about as rich as Shazam’s early years..oh yeah, I guess that’s because early Marvelman fucking IS early Shazam! Apparently, Anglo himself is totally confused by the interest in his work, but if Marvel is giving out royalty checks, Anglo is smart enough to cash ‘em fast. When he was pressed about the more modern MM material and Marvel’s plans for such, Joe Q. cryptically added that “…a publishing plan for the modern material has been set internally, and those details will be revealed in a few months.”

In closing, no major complaints and no major praise. It’s just another very nice convention to attend for Chicago area fans. We should feel lucky that we have two major cons to attend (for the time being, anyways), and I’m very curious to know if Reed Exhibitions is pleased with the revenue and with the notoriously pricey and surly Teamsters Union guys at McCormick Place. There have been several stories in the local news about how McCormick Place has lost a lot of business in the past ten years because of the obstinate dominance of the Teamsters that “help out” with shows at McCormick. In fact, just last week a new board of directors was put in place at McCormick to re-examine the deals they have with the Teamsters Union and try to drum up some more convention business.

Thanks again Keith. Chronic Insomnia can't be bothered to attend shows that directly relate to the content of said show. That would be something only classy, self-respecting shows would do. That and we're not as pretty as you are, so we'd be labeled a freak if we went there. We'd also try and pimp our show in some terribly embarrassing way. Great review my friend.

Digital Comic Books - To Be, Or Not To Be? Is That The Question?

2010-03-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

Where have all the good old analog times gone? Where is my VCR? Oh yeah I replaced it with my DVR. Where is my CD player? Oh yeah, I use my iPod all the time now. Where have my local record shops gone? Oh yeah, I buy my new music from iTunes now. Where are my books? Damn I forgot, they’re on my Kindle. It’s a big bad digital world now and if we’re not careful Comic Books are going to die an analog death.

I know it sounds crazy, but as technology expands so does our need for easier ways to get entertainment. Sure we still have CD’s and DVD’s, but more and more we are watching Hulu and On Demand, instead of actually purchasing the content ourselves. Almost every form of media has been digitized in some way or another. Even our newspapers are dying a slow analog death. Do we think something as niche as Comic Books is going to stand a chance when The New York Times is dying? I think not.

Let’s face facts, printing, distributing and paying artists/writers is where our $4 price point in comic books comes from. What if I were to tell you, I could cut out at least two of those costs? Would you be interested? This is why we are paying such a premium price for our stories, it’s not so we can pay the artists more money I can tell you that. Let’s eliminate the need for ink, paper, $1,000,000 printing presses, delivery trucks, gas money for those trucks and the local markup of our Comic Book Shops. If we do this right, we can save tons of money and have a much larger selection of comic books to pick from each week/month. No more delays for holidays, bad weather and printing mistakes.

This way we can concentrate on the artist and the writers and pay them the money they deserve and still get a great deal as the reader. It’s not like we have to digitize the comic books that are coming out, we all know everything is digital now. It’s not like Marvel hand delivers the original artwork and panels to the printer anymore. It’s all done via email or file transfer. The only cost for delivery is the cost of each locations internet connection. Then that digital file is sent to the printing press and out comes Siege #4. Why not just send that digital copy of Siege #4 to and iTunes type store so we can download it for $1.99 or even $.99? It’s because we don’t have a great place to store and read our comic books yet. Until recently that is.

Introducing the iPad and HP Slate. The first of what will surely be many full color high definition pre-made comic book readers. Sure, these devices were NOT intended to be used solely as comic book readers, but they sure seem perfect for the job. The beauty of these devices, no matter how infant the technology might be right now, is they can do so many others things for us, besides show us our comic book collection.

Does this mean that right now we should be giving up on Analog printed comic books, hell no. But it means that we should be preparing for the digital age and get ready to embrace it as a comic book collective. We don’t want to be left hold the bag of shit on this one. Let’s grind down and prepare for the total switch over. Sure this is going to eventually eliminate the need for local comic book shops, but let’s face it, they’re about to die anyways. Readership for comic books is dropping more and more each and every year. We are NOT getting new readers into the market, it’s just too expensive and too much work to get a comic book these days. Driving to the store, picking your books, finding a place to store them in your house and paying a premium price to do all that. For LOTS of people, this is just not worth it. I know many people that would read tons of comic books if it weren’t for all the trouble and pricing. I will use my brother in law as an example on this (I’m sure he’ll appreciate it), but if he could sit at his computer or on his electronic device and pick up comic books like he picks up music, he would read them! I know he would, and so would MANY other people.

The final point I have is, when was the last time anyone used a 35mm camera? Digital is the way to go. We have small devices that can hold tons of information and do so many other things that what they were designed for, that we should take advantage of this and digitize our comic books. This would also allow independent comic book publishers and even individual comic book writers and artist to compete directly with the big boys. There would no longer be this slick veneer of arrogance surrounding the Big Two. All comic books would be created equal, at least on the digital front. As long as the art and the writing was good, it would look just like the junk that Marvel shoves down our throat each month that sucks, and we pay $4 for it.

A device like the iPad is as big as 64GB and a normal 22-28 page comic book takes up about 15mb of space. That means for every GB, we can have roughly 65 comic books on our iPad, that’s nearly 4,000 comic books on an iPad. How many long boxes is that? 200 per box, 20 long boxes and remember each of those comic books needs a board and bag. I think the $600 price for the iPad is pretty cheap when you think about it. That and the iPad can do so much more than just let you read your comic books. It can surf the web, check email, show photos, play music, TV shows, movies and let you read your favorite new novel.

Now as these devices grow and get better, that space will increase. Right now it’s easy to have a 2TB drive at your house, which could store over 120,000 comic books, all in full color high resolution. These can then be transferred just like your iTunes library to your iPad for casual reading. I for one am excited about this revolution of digital comic books. I can carry around my comic books on one magazine sized device and read them in their natural format; one page at a time.

I for one am ready to stop over-paying for my comic books. Am I going to miss the touch and feel of a book, hell yeah I am, but if we don’t do something, we are going to miss more than just the touch of the books, we are going to miss A LOT of new material that just won’t be cost effective to produce for us to read. Yeah we won't have the rare copies of Y The Last Man anymore, but who cares, as far as percentages go, only about 1% of comic books are actually worth keeping in good shape, the others are throw away.

I’m sure Marvel is passing on a ton of books just because they aren’t doing 20,000 copies a month. Take Matt Fractions, The Order, which was canceled because it dipped below 20,000 copies a month. That was a good book, but it suffered from attrition, and died a slow analog death. If we were in the digital age, the number of copies it would need to sell to break even, would be at least ¼ less, if not more.

I hate enviromentalists, but imagine the paper and trees we can save? Imagine how much gas we won't use in our delivery trucks? Imagine the exhaust that these trucks won't create? It's all good across the bag and board.

Embrace the change. I’m getting ready to, so should you.

Michael

Very cool commercial!

2010-03-13T21:13:00.000-08:00

I was watching golf tonight and I happened to NOT advance my DVR forward during a commercial break and I am happy I did. This commercial rocks. It's for some stupid investment company, but that's besides the point, it's very cool how they shot this thing. Watch it and tell me it's not cool, I dare you.

Michael

My technology addiction explained? iPad anyone?

2010-03-05T08:36:00.000-08:00

I know it sounds like a menstruation control device, but I really want one. "Have your period? iPad has a Application for that." I sure hope so, because my ankles are bloated and I have some severe cramps.
My only real problem at this point is what size iPad should I get? The Light, Regular or Super Absorbency? If we're still using the feminine napkin analogy, I think I want the regular, which is code for 32GB. That means spending $599. Six hundred dollars on something to surf the web with. Doesn't that seem a little fucking crazy? It sounds expensive, but I still need one. The need is deep within' my bowels, kind of like this fizzy feeling behind my penis. It's that need for new technology, that I've possessed since I was a wee little man. I remember working a whole summer on a deck with my uncle Steve, just to buy my first CD player in 1987. I was a mere 15 years old and I wanted nothing more than to have "Appetite for Destruction" and "Dark Side Of The Moon" in crystal clear CD format. I worked nearly two months at less than Kathy Lee Gifford wages and made some pretty serious money. I think when I was done with my summer of illegal child labor, I was $600 richer.

This lead me to a technology crossroads I wasn't quite ready for. I only really wanted a new CD player, but with over $600 to my name, I was suddenly in a different tax bracket and could afford a lot more than just a music player. I also wanted a new TV. Betamax had recently gone in the shitter and we had purchased a VHS machine for our living room "theater". I was given the Betamax and three tapes. "Raiders of the Lost Ark", "Empire Strikes Back" and "Cocoon". The other tape was blank and was used to record Magnum P.I. I was set. However my television was a crappy 13 inch trailer park model, which didn't even have a remote control. Was I expected to get up and change the channel? That just wouldn't do. I needed a new one.

So with my $600 in hand, I went to Audio King and shopped for a TV and a CD player. I ended up with a JVC 20 inch, mono TV with remote control, which I still have. It sits proudly in studio B, where we record Chronic Insomnia every Monday night. It still works perfectly and it has many memories attached to it. That was the best $429 I have ever spent.

Sure it looks a little out of date and it's not digital or High-Definition, but it's an integral part of my teenage years and the beginning of my journey into a life of loving technology. This was the second from the top of the line 20 inch TV you could buy in 1987. The only thing better was the Stereo version, which was $529, too rich for my blood.

Then it was time to pick out my CD player. Now lets remember that CD players were only a couple of years old at this point. You couldn't go into Walmart and get one for less than $50. They were more like $250 to $400 each. Now I was spending $429 on my TV, so I had less than $200 to spend on my CD player. I found a Kenwood, 8x oversampling, 1 bit player that was a floor model. Which means it was sitting on the shelf and it was sold as is. No remote, no box, no manual, just the player. The sign below it said $179, which was exactly what I had left, easy choice, box that bitch up and I was out the door. My father was with me and he was so proud of my decisions as a 15 year old, that he was all smiles. The problem was when we got the CD player home my old crappy reciever was so old it didn't really have the hook ups for it. I was gutted. My father, being the best dad in the world, took me out the next day and bought me a kick ass receiver. That receiver was another $169 and was only 25 watts per channel, but it was new and it would hook up to my CD player and the stereo Super Hi-Fi Betamax I just got. Watching Raiders of the Lost Ark in stereo, through huge speakers changed my life.

Here's that Vector Research Receiver my father bought for me that same week, back in 1987. Sure it's missing a few buttons and it's a little old looking, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. This thing sounds great and floods me with the memory of my late father helping me pick it out. Every time I see this receiver I can remember my father helping me hook it up. We sat back and listened to the whole Dark Side Of The Moon CD in my bedroom as soon as we hooked it up. I will NEVER forget that. (Excuse me while I cry a little bit).

That was the beginning of all things techical for me. With a little research, and some good old fashion passion, you too can fall in love with the latest and greatest techno-bullshit that is coming out every other minute. This minute it's the iPad. I want it badly and I am not even sure why. I could buy so many other things with my $600 this time, but all I see at the end of my journey is Apples latest menstruation machine called the iPad. I will of course keep this forever. Someday maybe I'll list off all the cool techno-bullshit I currently own.

I should also mention that I still own and operate this receiver, as a matter of fact, it's being used right now in my downstairs setup. I should also mention that the Kenwood CD player I bought still works and is in my parents garage collecting dust.

Michael

Those classy Canadian Women

2010-02-26T07:08:00.000-08:00

Did the Canadian girls, a few of which were underage, go overboard in their celebration? I think they did. For some reason this seems to be a non-issue really. Which to me is sad. If ANY other team would have done this, they would have been ripped apart in the media. Should they celebrate, hell yeah they should. Should they be proud of beating the US hockey team and winning on home soil, hell yeah. Should they be celebrating in front of international cameras with cigars and champagne? No. Leave that stuff for the locker room. Show some class and respect your own countries laws and try not to underage drink in front of millions and millions of international viewers. I'm not even worried or concerned about the drinking at all. I am concerned about how the Canadian woman are getting a "get out of jail free" card for this. I want to reiterate, ANY other team that did this, would have been in serious trouble for doing that.

Do I care about underage drinking? Hell no, if you're old enough to go off to war and kill other people your age, then by all means you should be able to have a drink, but it's the law up there. If the Americans had done something like this, we would have been labeled "filthy Americans" and probably panned in the media for years to come. Being the host team DOES NOT give you the right to be cunts about it. Smoking Cigars and underage drinking is not acceptable on the international Olympic stage, in front of cameras. It's seems so obvious to me, but I guess the cold has fractured the part of their minds that controls attitude and decision making. It wasn't even close to class, it was downright pathetic. The French Canadian part of me is ashamed. if the rest of the world doesn't care, why should I? I don't know, but for some reason I do.

Antidote To A Robotic Heart

2010-02-18T08:54:00.000-08:00

If this don't make you smile, you've got a robotic heart. I laughed my ass off at this. Sure, you can see the ending a mile away, but it's still fucking good.

Michael

Kevin Smith in Fatgate

2010-02-16T08:07:00.000-08:00

This seems to be the final outburst from Fatty Kevin Smith on the subject. He might be fat, and he admits that, but I do think that Southwest Airlines treated him like a turd for no reason. Here is what he wrote on Feb. 15th on his blog. Please don't sue me for reprinting this...LOL.

Running out of gas on this subject

Monday 15 February 2010 @ 8:18 pm

Lots of folks still telling me to stop crying and lose weight - as if that’s what this was all about. Easier to tell the lie about the whiney Fatso than the truth that someone at Southwest fucked up. “Sure, someone fucked up, Lardo” You’re saying. “You and your fat gut! This is YOUR fault because you’re fat!”

Once again: I know I’m fat. The point of all this? I’m not too fat for Southwest Air, yet someone deemed me so. *sigh*

Then, suddenly? A glimmer of hope: a little after 12 noon (roughly 48 hrs after being deemed Too Fat To Fly), Linda (a rep from Southwest Airlines) called my house.

Very sweet, warmly compassionate and apologetic, Linda assured me they’d been trying to track me down for at least a day, but my cell phone was indicating a full voicemail box.

First, there was the serious “Mea culpa” - very sincere, very meaningful, from an actual individual who didn’t then spend the next two paragraphs telling me it was still all my fault because I’m fat.

In fact, Linda admitted (without urging) that the whole situation was handled really badly, and that the blog write-up was in error.

Linda told me that, before I got anywhere near the plane (remember: I was hoping to get on standby), they were having a space issue on board with another passenger who’d purchased two seats, and they were having a problem moving already-seated passengers to accommodate this person. Enter me, who - Linda admitted - WAS NOT A PROBLEM. She fully acknowledged that I wasn’t bounced by the Pilot… BECAUSE THE PILOT PROBABLY DIDN’T EVEN SEE ME.

According to Linda, with the melee surrounding boarding and finding a second seat for the other passenger, the Pilot called for a quick settlement of any outstanding issues so that they might take off. And even though I was already planted in my arm-rest lowerable, seat-belt-buckleable seat, I got the hook.

So the Pilot DIDN’T bounce me because I couldn’t fit in the seat. In fact, it sounds like the Pilot had very little to do with bouncing me at all. And Linda said she just found this out today, as they gather info from all involved.

But if that’s the case, then who made that call to yank me? Someone had to actually point a finger and say “Him. He goes.” And not only that, but they then stood behind a fabrication that I was being ejected because I was too fat for my seat.

Regardless, I thanked Linda and told her she was the nicest Southwestern employee I’d met in the last 43 hrs. And then, I asked when Southwest was going to update their blog, to which she said soon, and we hung-up pleasantly. And as pleasant as Linda was, clearly the notion of me going on Larry King scared the shit out of somebody over there.

I was very nice but very firm/clear with Linda: Southwestern needs to make this right. And “right” is Southwestern falling on their sword over a situation THEY CREATED and continued to mismanage for nearly 48hrs.

So I swore to Linda, up and down “Get me a document to sign, and I’ll swear on my child’s life and penalty of all I own that I’ll never sue your Airlines. But just PUT THE FUCKING TRUTH OUT THERE THAT I’M NOT TOO FAT TO FLY, AND THAT THIS WAS ALL AN UNFORTUNATE ERROR ON SOUTHWESTERN’S PART.”

This is the piece Linda wrote.

She called me a little bit ago to see if I’d read the piece. I put her on hold, quickly read it, then got back on the horn.

“Linda - there’s nothing about me not being Too Fat To Fly,” I said.
“The people around you said they had to lean over to make room for you,” Linda offered.
“Linda, they didn’t! The older lady was leaning against the window like she was gonna nap, and the lady to my left was already leaning toward the aisle. I would never pick a seat that might possibly make me look even fatter because I don’t fit in it or something.”
“That’s the report I have,” she continued, then sighed and added “This is so embarrassing to talk about.”
“Wait - what people around me?” I asked.
“The people seated next to you.”
“You guys went to their houses and interviewed them?”
“No.”
“Then where’d that statement come from?”
“Others people around you.”
“Linda, there was nobody but me, the two ladies, and Suzanne. Are you telling me this is Suzanne’s report?”
“The report we received said the ladies were leaning away from you.”
“They were already leaning when I sat down! They didn’t lean because of me! I even asked them both if I was a problem. But you said you took their statements, and now you’re saying they weren’t interviewed at all. You said we’d get to the bottom of who made the decision to boot me, since it WASN’T the Pilot.”

And Linda apologized and pointed out the blog apologies for putting me on and taking me off the plane, as well as the refunded fares.

“But the last paragraph is still all about your two seat rule. By including it, you guys are still saying I was Too Fat To Fly - or at least NOT correcting it. You even say ‘You’re not here to debate the decision the Employees made.’ But when we spoke, you told me they were wrong, and THAT’S why I was happy and ready to drop all this. I don’t want your money, I just want you to put in print what you told me: that I was grabbed because I was the last guy on, not because I didn’t fit with the arm rests down, or because I couldn’t buckle the seat belt. Because I did. And we both know this.”

I feel like a broken record with that stupid “But I could buckle and fit” shit. Pathetic, right? Grasping at any dignity straws. But that’s what you do when you’re kinda stripped of your dignity.

I could hear it in her voice: the sad frustration. Somewhere between the two phone calls, the bounty that was hinted at got a lot smaller. And while the apology is a little deeper now and more sincerely-worded than it was in the initial “apology” blog (thank you, Linda), it still infers that I need two seats to fly on Southwest Airlines.

I begged her to just put the truth in the about me and the seat belt and arm rest - at least admit you guys were wrong: that I wasn’t Too Fat To Fly. And while in phone call #1 it seemed promising, it didn’t happen. There was some standard corp-speak about how they’re going to examine their “Person of Size” policy, and how they know it needs change. I sincerely hope it does. That shit with the Girl on the flight was just heartbreaking and shameful.

But to be honest, I was looking for a little exoneration so I didn’t have to keep exonerating myself. And while Linda was kind and respectful, if they’re gonna stick with this “Well… he needed two seats…” shit, then we’re just back to square one.

You guys screwed up, SWA; why’s it so hard to own up to it? Now I’m gonna carry this Too Fat To Fly shit around like herpes for the rest of my life, and it was never even true.

So, Linda: I appreciate the effort you made, the time you spent with me on the phone, and the work you put into this. You, too, were a reasonable cat during our conversation.

But wrapping up with a repeating of that 2 seat policy (the one THAT HAS NO BEARING ON MY CASE) is a reminder that you guys haven’t learned anything: you’re still blaming it on the Fatty. Still, you tried. Thank you for that, Linda - and for being human.

Southwest, I appreciate you refunding my airfare. But if you’re not gonna admit I wasn’t Too Fat To Fly, then I’ll cover it.

But, folks? Tomorrow? Let’s Tweet about other stuff, shall we? This is starting to taste mediciney and fruitless.

“Well it proves one thing, Mr. Hooper. It proves that you wealthy college boys don’t have the education enough to admit when you’re wrong.-Quint, Jaws.
Was Kevin Smith Wrong to tear into Southwest Airlines? I don't think so, even if he might have been over the top with his approach, it's a subject that obviously needs to be touched upon. I'm not talking about touching in bad places, but in emotional and legal ways. I think he did a great job of getting that kind of discrimination in the heads of others who might be flying Southwest Airlines. Good on ya mate.

Michael

This is so wrong!

2009-06-13T15:03:00.000-07:00

First Draft of the Chronic Insomnia Story

2009-06-07T15:31:00.000-07:00

Below is the beginning of a grand story I am writing about the formation of Chronic Insomnia back in 1983. This is the first draft and I haven't really edited it at all but I thought I would still put it out for people to read.

Michael

The name Chronic Insomnia started in 1990 when I purchased a Hi-8mm camcorder. That 8mm opened up a giant creative process that Ryan and I had been looking for since our earlier years of making audio madness. We had the idea of making a late night TV show that only the Chronic Insomniacs would watch. In actuality we started this whole thing much earlier. Let me give you the whole story.

It's 1983 and I am at my house after school. Probably watching the A-Team or Magnum P.I. with my father. Ryan has decided to come over and hang out. This is just the beginning of our friendship and we are still feeling each other out. That sounds gay, but I assure it was. I don’t really remember the catalyst that began our friendship.

Anyways Ryan comes over and I have a surprise for him: a big black boom box with a microphone on it. For some reason, which I can't recall after so many years, it wasn't surprising to Ryan that I wanted to record our voice with my tape recorder. Maybe he had already experimented with this in his own life, but from memory we just slipped right into recording. We set the boom box down on the floor of my upstairs bedroom and began a career in making each other laugh. It was a contest to see how often we could make the other one stop the recorder so the laughing wasn’t picked up.

Ryan had this nervous tick of having to play with something while recording, and this fateful day it happened to be the pieces from my "Crossbows & Catapults" set. Ryan cupped three or four pieces in his hands and juggled them above the hardwood floor of my room. Each time he dropped them it shot straight into the microphone and nearly drowned out everything we were saying. I was 11 and my technical expertise wasn't as honed so I ignored the obvious crippling effect of his nervous habit to the audio sound. We were working with a cheap ass microphone and we both sounded like the same person at times anyways, so it really didn’t matter.

In one glorious day we managed to pound out our breakthrough comedy album tentatively called “Being Stupid”. Let’s be honest here, it was stupid, but we were in 6th grade. I am not sure how Ryan and I even met, but I am sure it was in Ms. Keyo’s class when Ryan was pointing out that he could see her panty lines through her slacks. We were nothing short of subtle and sophisticated, even back then.

Our first tape wasn’t really funny, but at the time we thought we were fucking geniuses. I remember being proud of our accomplishment. Are there a few golden gems on the tape? Well not really. Most of it was pretty stupid, but was a blast to make. Which for me has been the reason for the continued work relationship. We always have a blast in everything we do. I don’t recall any recording, short film or song we did where I didn’t at least laugh a dozen times. It hasn’t felt like work even to this day. Some of the highlights on the tape, at least for me was my rendition of Bill Cosby, which turned out to be the benchmark in which all comedians and impressionists compared themselves too.

Between Ryan’s rhythm section with the Crossbows and Catapults pieces and my wonderful job of stopping and starting the tape recorder, we managed to actually finish over 35 minutes of audio carnage. To this day I still have the original cassette tape and each time I bring it out the memories flood back to me. In all honesty it’s actually a pretty good piece of audio. It’s not funny at all really, but it does show our immediate ability to just “wing” things without any sort of preparation.

At this point in my life Ryan wasn’t my only friend and it was about a year until we got back together to record our sophomore effort, which never really had a title. This time around we actually did some funny stuff. This audiotape was centered around Paul Michealson a reporter interviewing special needs people in a hospital/school environment. Sounds like a funny premise already, but it got even more hilarious when Ryan slipped into the straight roll and I went completely off the damn rails.

The year was 1984 and we were in 7th grade. Our voices were just beginning to change and during this time you could actually sort of tell us apart on the tape. At this point I had gotten a new boombox with a better microphone on it and I had learned to keep things out of Ryan’s hands while we recorded. It didn’t work totally, but I did manage to limit his random sounds by at least 50%.

This tape took us multiple days to finish, at least two. It was more thought out and actually had a little bit of a storyline. Now when I say storyline, I mean it was more linear and sort of flowed from one point to another. We were still totally winging it and we never really talked about what was going to happen outside of the actual recording. I had moved into the basement of my parent’s house and that is where I would stay for the next 12 years. We had more freedom, we could be louder, more vulgar and we took full advantage of it.

At that time I had honed my ability to play the mentally challenged and Ryan couldn’t handle more than a millisecond of my shaking and grunting so this tape was also filled with plenty of stopping and starting of the tape. Each time Ryan, as Paul Michealson, would ask my special needs person a question, I would take it up a notch and really blurt something out. I would take my hands and beat them against my chest. The angle of my hands was very important to make it look more realistic. We weren’t working with a visual medium, but my mission was to make Ryan laugh so I had to pull out all the stops.

The tape might have had a linear feel to it, but it was also filled with pretty “out there” ideas. I would just blurt out anything that popped into my head for each of his questions. I wasn’t afraid to play a woman on this tape either. Our knowledge of women was very limited and we managed to show just how ignorant we were about girls. We talked about periods and bathroom events, something similar to what we talk about today, and we thought we knew stuff. Well we really didn’t. We were just goofing around and making ourselves laugh as much as we could.

This time around the recording really spurred us on and more ideas started flooding us. It wasn’t nearly as long until we got together to record the next tape. After Paul Michealson, we really went into the experimental realm. At this point Ryan had gotten himself a boombox and we switched our location to Ryan’s house for the summer. This turned out to be a great boon since we wanted to be louder and more rowdy on tape. It was time to take the recording process up a notch once again.

The next couple tapes were actually a series of tiny segments strewn over multiple cassettes and didn’t have any sort of connection. Ryan and I experimented with sound effects and using music as filler. Our voices were changing and cracking constantly. Ryan had this dog named “Cinnamon” and we thought it would be a good idea to get her to growl into the microphone and pretend she was pissed at me for not satisfying her sexually. Was this funny, well yeah it was, but it was also filled with sugar loaded freedom screams and chants of “Too much sugar, too much caffeine” yelled into the tiny microphone on top of Ryan’s tape recorder. A tape recorder we would eventually destroy in the name of audio creativity.

I am not sure why, but at this point I wanted to try something on my own and I created a couple of audiotapes alone in my basement. Most thirteen year old kids masturbated; I actually liked recording myself, and exploring the limits of what my tape recorder could do. Earlier on I had found out that if you recorded yourself in high speed, you sounded like a chipmunk. This gave me an idea to record a Star Trek inspired highspeed tape. It turned out really stupid and was actually really hard to understand, but the intensity of the tape was unparalleled at the time.
During my foray into Alvin and Star Trek, Ryan was working on the Epy Epperman radio show. He was taking the normal route and making something with a storyline. I listened to his tape and was jealous of a few things. He was taking things to a new level of creativity and editing. I thought it was pretty funny actually and much more mainstream than anything that popped into my head at the time.

We had both gone off and explored different styles and quickly learned that without each other it just didn’t work that well. I was the crazy fucker with the extreme ideas and Ryan was intelligent one that kept us somewhat understandable. Ryan did get insane at times and I was able to intelligently think of things, but we leaned towards those stereotypes and it worked. It still works today.

At this point the year is 1986 or so and we have decided to just make simple audiotapes. You would think we would come up with more intricate storylines and flowing narrative, but it just didn’t turn out that way. We had recently found Ryan’s record player in his living room and we decided we were the Beastie Boys and we were going to scratch our brand of hip hop into our recordings. We didn’t have any phat beats to work with, but we did have old superman and Tex Ritter records to work with and for us those were much better.

Another breakthrough at this point in our recording career was an interest in making something serious. We both sounded like the worst B actors in the history of film, but the sound effects were on another level for us. We didn’t know what else to do but try and make it serious. We failed miserably. I think it must have been near Halloween or something and we had found a record of scary sound effects.

When We Were Thin...Well Sort Of.

2009-01-20T08:35:00.000-08:00

Here are the photos we promised on the show with Ryan being REALLY thin. Well at least thin in comparison to his overweight bloated fat ass now. Enjoy the pictures and any ladies out there that want a piece of him, just email us at: thechroniccrew@gmail.com and he'll go out with you.

Ryan was the master on the wax in the early 90's. Check out that sophisticated turntable he used. He's a real catch ladies.

Is there anyone tougher than this guy? He smashed his hand through Sheetrock! Amazing!

I figure it's only fitting to include a couple of photos of myself on here. I wasn't nearly as thin back then, but my fashion sense and taste in photography was obviously up there with the greats. Who else simulates sex with large stuffed teddy bears?

Yeah this was as fun as it looked. I broke this bears cherry during the photoshoot.

Drinking from an empty bottle of wine and wearing a tennis racket cover for a hat, comedy gold!

I hope you enjoyed some photos from our past. These were all taken in the same day sometime in 1990. Just goes to show you how old we really are. We haven't aged well. It's a shame because we were fucking sexy back then.

Michael

Chris Hardwick's Country Video

2009-01-18T07:30:00.000-08:00

This is pretty goddamn funny. I don't like country music at all, but this makes me laugh every time I listen to it.

It's the guy from "Singled Out" and yeah he still looks the same even though it's been 15 years. He's one of those assholes that doesn't age.

Michael

With Friends Like Frank...

2008-12-10T06:16:00.001-08:00

Look, I love Frank Miller. And Frank loves Will Eisner. Both of these facts are beyond debate. And yet - when I watch the TV spots for Miller's Spirit movie...yeesh.

How exactly does turning Eisner's work into Sin City pay respectful homage to it? It's not that I'm against the idea of stark black/white punctuated with a single obnoxiously bright color. It's been Frank's baby since "Babe Wore Red", and even though I personally think the effect is now overplayed and best laid to bed, I get it for Sin City.

But seriously, how does turning The Spirit into a Sin City knock-off do anything but drink 64 ounces of Gatorade and pee all over Eisner's work? Basically, Frank is saying "I like Eisner's stuff so much, it's deserving of getting scrapped for the Frank Miller treatment!" Blecch. Make it look like Eisner, you arrogant prick!

Cinematography aside, how does anybody watch that guy yell "Somebody get me a tie...and it better be RED!" without laughing about how STUPID it sounds. Who filmed that and said "Cut! Thaaaat's a keeper!" Apparently Frank Miller did.

To reiterate my first point, I do love Frank, the little scamp. But I'm beginning to smell the faint trickle of excrement in the wind. And I think it's that Spirit movie coming soon.

- Ryan

How am I the Biggest Douche Bag?

2008-12-05T06:40:00.000-08:00

I am trying to figure out why I am a close second to Dad DiDio in the Douche Bag category. I am not sure I deserve that monocle. Seems like I could be the nicest of the shows hosts. Obviously I am wrong because you as the viewers are always right. I would like to know WHY everyone thinks I am a giant Douche Bag? Is there a specific reason? Is it my grating voice? Is it my large ball sack? I am sure that one of them could be the culprit.

Perhaps I come across as too polite and people aren't used to that due to the fact that Ryan is kind of harsh at times. This is due to his lack of sexual activity. I don't count sex with ones self as actual sex. This could be the reason for his douche baggery. I can't explain mine, other than it's just my o'natural self.

Michael

The Shakey Shaman Experience

2008-06-24T13:45:00.001-07:00

Honestly I thought this show was nearly impossible to watch from beginning to end when seen on TV, but as of last night I can see it's appeal. One of my best friends, Clint, is related to the guitar player/singer in that show. Actually it's Clint's father. I asked a few weeks back if I could come in and see how they do the show each week. I knew it was a live show and that it was a rather big production, but when I got there I realize how small it actually was. Normally the "band" is 5-7 strong but this night they were a few people short. All they had last night were three musicians and the lead singer, Shakey Shaman.

I was roped into being their camera man. I know that I am trained to use all equipment but it wasn't until last night that I was REALLY trained in. I had to operate three cameras throughout the entire show. During the first half hour it was a little bit stressful and I left a few of the cameras in bad positions, but after that I got the hang of it.

Those guys are really out there. Like from the Ninth Dimension and all. Shakey is one individual cat. He can really scream and yell into that microphone. By the end of the evening he was pretty horse. I really think the show is a lot of fun actually. Those guys who work on the show don't take it too seriously and neither should anyone watching it. I really like the way it's nearly totally free form. They have a few taped up lyrics sheets and some scribbled down chords for the basic songs, but after that the motto is just "let it rip and see what happens".

I have been asked to appear next week on the show with my guitar. I think I feel pretty nervous about it too. I know that I can stand there and play what those guys are playing but it's still a live show and that freaks me out a little bit. I think it's time to bust my "live show on cable access" cherry. And what better guys to bust it then the gentle yet energetic Shakey Shaman Crew. Personally it's going to be a highlight of my life and who knows, I might become a member of the show and be welcomed back at any time.

The NWCT team is like a second family in many ways. I am very glad to be a part of it. I should have done this a long time ago. Ryan and I could have been doing this since 1991 or so. We just missed the boat until now. We're going to start making up for lost time I think. So come sail away with us. Whether it's in the ninth dimension with Shakey Shaman or with our own show which will debut sometime in August (possibly LATE July). Hope to see you all then.

Michael

Chronic Insomnia has a Green Light!

2008-06-17T05:44:00.000-07:00

As of May 31st, 2008 Ryan and I have a green light to start producing a show for Cable Access channel 19 or 20. This happens on the heels of our show reaching it's 1 year anniversary on MyPodcast.com. Almost 50 "Issues" have been released as of this writing and we intend on doing more Podcasts into the future to compliment our video show which we will do once a month.

The look of the show and the promos for the show are in the works. We have some photos to take and some other things to smooth out but all in all a lot of the ideas for the show are still locked in our brains someplace. Ryan and I will be sitting down a few times in the next month to figure out the shows agenda and content. The live action video show will be based somewhat on the show we already do, with a few of the segments carrying over.

Market Spotlight, Time Machine, Chronic News, Next Weeks Books (Next Months Books) and possibly Whore of the Week should continue is some fashion or another. We are looking into new segments like Preorder Previews or What's new at DCBS? We can show the actual website on air and show us shopping at the same time.

Events are unfolding to bring a live action video show to our audience sometime in early August with the show continuing through the rest of the year at a once a month pace. We would like to bring two shows a month to the network but with fear of content being subpar, we want to give our viewers our best each time. So that means for now we are going to keep the show at one hour per month of the best stuff we can do. All killer, no filler.

Keep coming back here for more updates as we know more ourselves. We'll see you on the small screen soon enough. Don't be frightened by our extremely white skin, slightly bloated faces that always seem to need a shave. We are harmless.

Michael

Girls of Chronic Insomnia

2008-05-16T10:06:00.000-07:00

Here are a few of the women that really wanted to be a part of the show but we had to turn them down cause Ryan has given up on women and I am married. It's too bad cause a few of them are pretty decent looking if you like that sort of thing.

Kate Beckinsale is not bad looking and she was all about being on the cable access show but we had to say no cause she was so hot for Ryan and he's retired.

Rachel Bilson was all over me and I am pretty sure that my wife would not appreciate that in the long run. She was willing to literally do anything to be on the show but sadly she will have to find another cable access show with two morbidly obese men hosting it. A sad day for sure.

Michael

The future of The Chronic Insomnia Podcast

2008-04-24T06:09:00.001-07:00

For the next few weeks Chronic Insomnia will go on like always, and even with the cable access show you still might get a bi-weekly show. I guess it all depends on how much time the TV show takes out of our busy lives. I would love to continue doing the audio show, because at this stage with the show it only takes about an hour to record a 45 minute show, which is pretty easy and could be something we do on the side. Who knows. But for right now expect the show to at least go through it's year anniversary and beyond. I would venture to say that every once in a while you might see a new episode pop up when you least expect it.

As of right now we are not pushing the cable access show too much cause we are not sure of the restrictions we might have with doing a TV show. We might even be able to podcast our show is some way. That would be the ultimate and if that happens then you will see us again for sure.

So for right now, all of our 15 loyal listeners should just keep their ears open on the audio podcast and enjoy the show. Please take a look at our Blog also.

Michael

Northwest Cable Access Journey!

2008-04-22T17:44:00.000-07:00

Two ass monkeys and a camera? Does the world need that? Probably not. However that isn't stopping us from taking that journey at the end of May. Northwest Cable Access has allowed us to create a television show which could probably spell the end of that network if they let our leash out too long. I know back in the day we would have pushed the boundaries of ANY network, even Comedy Central late at night, but today we have become more reserved and intellectual...oh man even I can't type that with a straight face. Who am I kidding? We're still just as fucked up as we were back in the day. The only thing different is we are more elegant and sophisticated. I think you could say we have more style too. If you are a listener to the podcast then you know we already exude that weekly.

Look for something on Cable Access sometime in June or July of 2008. Right now we are looking at a Bi-weekly show with a lot of the same topics as our current audio podcast Chronic Insomnia, which you can hear every Tuesday afternoon.

Michael